Headline: Headcase

Earth's foundations shook and renowned world leaders trembled in their deer-skin boots this week. This happened when yet another whistle-blowing, truth-must-be-told, devil-may-care reporter broke a blazing hot toddy of a story. The front page proclaimed to all the world, "Cellphones a hinderance to learning!" And below it in small print, "Iran leaders kidnap Condoleeza Rice for weekend tryst to Knotsberry Farm, see page 6."

The headline appeared in my university's fanastically innocuous newspaper, for purposes of anonymity called here the Daily Black Hole. The paper is renowned for headlining fluff stories and sometimes forgetting important dates or events (September 11th headline, "89% of freshman girls think ice cream is 'yummy'"). This is forgivable, mostly because we (the entire student body) enjoy the jokes we can make with the "reporting" and "stories" that they come up with (Oh, and believe me, we're pretty tight, the student body and I. They all called me up yesterday. Holla to all y'all). Interestingly, the Daily Black Hole is required by law to refer to their "stories" with " " surrounding them so that people won't confuse them for real news stories. This is unlikely (real article: "Mountain goats may need to be moved")

I am, of course, too hard on the paper which is worth every penny (price: free). Again, I'm kidding. But the cell-phone article was something special. It was written by a girl named Alicia C. Remember, this is a student who is seriously thinking about doing journalism as a career. And she has a university to back her up on that opinion. She begins here article on cell-phone usage in school. Be sure to save some of your inevitable scorn not just for the author of the article, but the main subject, a student named Jenna E. She deserves a heaping, scoop of scorn as well. The article reads as follows:

"A professor talks faster than students think is humanly possible (Did the students consult each other on this, deciding that 'Yup, that's faster than I thought humanly possible.'? Did they honestly doubt his humanity based on how fast he talks? 'Yup, it's an android alright. Or a alien.' Come on Alicia C., journalists don't start articles talking like 19-year-old girls, even if they are).

"Jenna E., a 20-year-old junior majoring in construction management concentrates. She works to catch each phrase and word that the professor speaks in his presentation. ("Phew! I'm working so hard, listing to this un-human professor, but by golly, I'm catching every word! Every phrase! Rapture!")

"A cell phone rings a pop song tone; (Yes, that's really a sentence. Read it again. Yep, it's pretty bad) her mind, as does other's she's sure, begins to wander with the melody. (Again, that was a real part of a real sentence)(Also, "Jenna's mind wandered with the melody and eventualloy found itself lost in Spooky Pirate's Cavern!")

"This is reality. (Play that weird "Da Da" noise from Law and Order for dramatic effect)

"Jenna said that although she understands (do you Jenna?) how people forget to turn their phones to silent tone, it seems as though cell phones are constantly going off and disturbing the learning atmosphere (learning atmosphere: 70% nitrogen, 12% Oxygen, 10% Carbon Dioxide, 98.6% Over-sensitive college co-eds)

(Ok, here's my favorite part)
"'When a phone rings in class, it doesn't simply divert my attention for a few seconds,' Erlbach said. 'Instead I spend the next 10 minutes (Wait, what?! 10 minutes?)(?!?!) thinking about whether or not I like the ring tone followed by thoughts of frustration because I have missed whatever the professor was teaching about."

That's right folks. 10 minutes.

I plead with you, for all our sakes, do not, under any circumstances, come into contact with Jenna E. Do not do anything to disrupt the delicate soap bubble that constitutes her existence. No loud noises. No sudden movements with arms or legs (though you surely will be tempted to smack her upside the head). If you do any of these things, that her day is gone, just gone. There is no chance now of productive thought, of conversation or anything simpler than blinking when Jenna E. is distracted. If Jenna E. were to encounter both a firecracker and someone humming Hey, Jude simultaneously, surely her heart would stop and she would forget how to swallow.

The article continues, with another quote from the somehow intelligable Jenna E.:

"My frame of mind completely changes after I realize I've somehow lost my concentration and have no idea what the professor is talking about."

"Somehow" Does she come to, 15-20 minutes later and think, 'Gracious me, it's gone! My concentration is gone! Whatever shall I do?' I imagine she swoons a clutches a lace hanky to her head. Let us also recall that Jenna E. is going into construction managment. Now, I haven't managed much construction in my day, but for the delicate of concentration, where naught but a catchy cell phone ring tone sends one spiraling into bouts of confusion and frustration, mayhaps a job managing such things as power tools, heavy machinary, and surly men of salty vocabulary is not for you.

And also, a word to Alicia C., the author of the article: if Jenna E. is the best material you can get from your crack interviews, then don't expect the Chicago Tribune to come beating down your door, sweety.

And now I'm going to go find an old dog and blow in his face. And then picture the look of confusion and consternation as he snaps his head around in bewilderment on a girl named Jenna E.