The Incredible Hack

I hate to bring you bad news, like the episode of Murphy Brown when Miles had to tell Corky that he had let her cat get run over and just couldn't find the way to do it until the very end of the episode and Murphy accidentally let the cat out of the bag (not the dead one)(the hypothetical cat that represents the news)(although it really would have made the episode more interesting if she had let a real, dead cat out of a bag . . .). That's how I hate to bring bad news. But I have to report that once more a dumb and pointless metaphor has been seen rearing its ugly, Cardassian-from-Star-Trek-like head in the Daily Universe.

I addressed some other bad metaphors in a previous note (one with the title recently altered to be "Metaphorically Stinking"). These were employed by a pair of DU writers who were talking about the pros and cons of football. Coincidentally the (anonymously written) editorial also discusses football, with the bad metaphor sticking out like a sore cold sore.

In describing the well-deserved and hard fought 33-31 victory of BYU over Utah, the author describes the Utes second and third quarter comeback:

Here it comes "Instead of conceding the victory, the Utes overcame a 14-point deficit and scored 24 unanswered points. Even as Bruce Banner sheds his fragile, mortal persona to become the Incredible Hulk, the Utes lashed out, and the Cougars suddenly found themselves trailing most of the game." (italicies added to point out the ridiculous parts)

A Incredible Hulk reference? Including his alter-ego Bruce Banner? Fragile, mortal persona? "The Utes lashed out"? That's just terrible. Big words attached to a pointless, unrelated, quite-a-stretch of a metaphor don't help it make more sense. They just make it sound more ridiculous. How about " Instead of conceding the victory, the Utes rallied to overcome a 14-point deficit and scored 24 unanswered points. The Cougars found themselves trailing most of the game."?

I imagine that hypothetically the author could've lost a bet to a friend and was forced to include the Bruce Banner/Incredible Hulk reference. If this is the case, then I have a crisp five-dollar bill for the first DU reporter/editorial writer who can slip a Murphy Brown reference into a completely unrelated article. I hope someone takes me up. I'll be waiting anxiously, just like someone who waits while sitting on pins and other sharp things that are like pins and could make waiting a difficult thing to do.

Truly a gentleman's sport

What with the knicker-knocking and ballyhoo that surrounds the modern sportsman, we are ever grateful to the pompous vigilance and stuff-shirted whistle-blowing of those of us who remember how sports used to be. Surely as time marches on, something of honor and manhood have been lost from sports today (fie and a pox on thee, Title-IX, you dastard!). Don't we remember the good old days of sporting events? When sports were simply a gentleman's game (and by "gentleman" I mean fitting the criteria of being 1) a man, 2) a wealthy man, and 3) being a wealthy man of the correct skin pigmentation before being allowed to play)?

Well buck up, good fellows all! Wax those mustachios, fasten your sock garters, strap on those leather helmets and reaccustom your hounds to the smell of fox, for lo and behold, the good old age of sport is returning!

And to what do we owe this revival? To naught but a letter from one Bryan Haslen to the student body of BYU.

To be fair (which I try to do when I can't stamp down my conscience), it's possible that this letter was written simply to stir up controversy and such. But with my extensive experience, and knowing BYU students' capacity for self-righteousness, there is a great chance that it's as real as they come. And in any case, does that mean we can't make fun of it? Would you still be reading if there was a chance that the answer was no?

(Note: to enhance the proper tone of the letter, read it to yourself in a thick, stuffy English accent. Or have your butler do it).

"To the Editor,

"A few more reminders for those students who have forgotten how football stadiums work (my understanding: people come in, cheer have a good time. Evidently it's more complicated than that):

"1) Littering is a disgusting habit and football should be no exception (an exception to disgusting habits?). As all good college football fans, let us leave the stadium cleaner than we found it. (Because, like the wilderness, if we don't keep our footballs clean, someday they'll be gone forever. Unless of course, I don't know, the paid stadium maintanance staff cleans them. And if that's the case then they'll be just fine)

"2) There is no need to yell. The chances are they can't hear you on the field (current chances: two to one) and you are only bothering the people next to you who have paid good money for their seats. (I think we should instigate both the "golf clap" --applause from the crowd comes only after plays and such-- and also the first-grade "12-inch whisper." After all, we paid good money for these seats. Who are you to sully up my air with your boorish sound waves and so-called "enthusiasm?")

"3) The nudity and paint is really unnecessary (Nudity?! Have you been to a BYU game?). If you were excited about taking a trip to England, would you get on the airplane with an English flag painted on your bare chest? (Wait. . . . um . . . Yes?) Of course not. (Oh. . . . Oh!! Now I see your point. 'Cause college football is like a trans-atlantic flight to England. Therefore, what is not acceptable in one event is not acceptable in the other. I'll be sure to file that away under "Comparisons that Make No Sense Whatsoever")

"4) The wave is a thing of our politically incorrect past (when we discriminantly instigated the 1949 laws that didn't allow waves to vote). Think of all of those who are unable to stand and how it makes them feel when they see the wave (My guess at what they think, "Cool the wave. Oh, look a sea-gull! Oh yeah, football!"). Please be considerate and don't participate in this practice that you know is wrong.

"5) If we win the conference by beating Utah in our stadium, remember your manners and don't try to get onto the field. ("Or else I shall thrash your wrists with a ruler and soundly box your ears, you ruffians!")

"Bryan Haslam
San Diego, Calif."

So, hearken to me good people all. L et us be inspired by Bryan Haslam. When we pass him, let us not mock his overly starched shirt, his top hat, cane or his solid-gold monocle (would we mock Mr. Peanut?)(Yes, but for other reasons). This is a true-blooded, gentleman, cut from the old cloth (that cloth smelling vaguely of old-man-stink and garlic). Do not sneer at his manners, even if his manners might include sneering at yours. Let us help him shoulder his heavy, heavy load. Because, dash it all gents, a soap-box is a hard load to carry alone.

"Why yes, we are freshman, why do you ask?"

Police Beat:

"October 13
A student reported two male students throwing acorns off the bridge near the law building on East Campus Drive, hitting another student. When questioned, the male students said they were throwing acorns into the tops of trees to see the reactions of students who thought animals were making the noises. The students were asked to stop."

I'm kind of lost here as to what kind of commentary to provide. Do I point out that these students 1) thought that someone would be fooled into thinking that an animal was throwing the acorns from the tree, ("Hey look! Acorns! Naturally, an animal of some kind must be throwing these." Or perhaps, "Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have bought that squirrel-fur 9-iron cover! Now they're out to get me!") or 2) wouldn't notice the bridge spanning the street located not three meters away, (see photo).




So like I said, I don't really know what to say. except for "Keep it up, fellas. Where would Police Beat be without you?"

A piece of (dental) work

I can't really imagine a situation where your denstist wouldn't be located somewhere other than your home, but that's me . . .

Another great headline

Not to sound too callous, but that must have been a pretty big accident . . .

Guess who was pretty drowsy in conference . . .

This is a little gem from a month ago that I found digging through my archives (a.k.a. the pile of paper under my desk).

General Conference consisted of two days of five sessions, with almost two dozen speakers. These talks are prepared months in advance. They are given by the most public and well-known leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Keeping that in mind, please notice what Cynthia Anderson mentioned was her absolute favorite thing of this two day spiritual feast.

Best of luck, Cynthia. Hope to hear from you again soon.

"Nothing says I love you like electricity" or "1.21 jigawatts of love"

"Sierra-West Jewlers: combining the timeless elegance of diamonds and lightning"

"Sierra-West Jewlers: Where a ring can say more than just, 'Honey, I love you,' but also 'And I want to burn your finger off.'"

"Sierra-West Jewlers: Combining care, craftsmanship and an uncontrolled flow of negatively charged electrons"

"Our parents thought we were a little young . . . "

This is something else from the Daily Universe Bridal Guide. Don't Derrik and Deane Gardner look young for their age? I think Derrik lost his front tooth in a fight club. (Coincidentally, his nick name is "Baby face")

Unbridaled enthusiasm

This is the Daily Universe Bridal Guide. Surely you agree that this is a really dumb photo to have 1) at all and 2) on the front of a Bridal Guide. I couldn't help but make some potential comments and thought bubbles coming from the happy couple. If it's too small to read, then just enjoy the complete ridiculousness of the cover photo and go away happy.