The End of the Lampooniverse?

It was recently pointed out to me by my fan (Hey! Thanks for writing keep in touch), that I haven't written anything in a long, long while. The reasons for this are two fold (meaning you can fold them twice and get a reason that's four times as thick! What a reason!). First, I found that it was much more fun to find ridiculous things in the beloved Daily Universe and make fun of them. Second, (and this reasons saddens me so very, very much), there just haven't been very many things to make fun of. It's true.

There is a turn over of new journalism student every semester and it seems that the current crop is a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed group of presentable students because there doesn't seem to be a discernable error to be found. Sigh. But if something should present itself, you, my fan, will be the first to know. And I'll probably send it to you in an email, just to make sure that you can still think I'm clever.

Cheers.

The Incredible Hack

I hate to bring you bad news, like the episode of Murphy Brown when Miles had to tell Corky that he had let her cat get run over and just couldn't find the way to do it until the very end of the episode and Murphy accidentally let the cat out of the bag (not the dead one)(the hypothetical cat that represents the news)(although it really would have made the episode more interesting if she had let a real, dead cat out of a bag . . .). That's how I hate to bring bad news. But I have to report that once more a dumb and pointless metaphor has been seen rearing its ugly, Cardassian-from-Star-Trek-like head in the Daily Universe.

I addressed some other bad metaphors in a previous note (one with the title recently altered to be "Metaphorically Stinking"). These were employed by a pair of DU writers who were talking about the pros and cons of football. Coincidentally the (anonymously written) editorial also discusses football, with the bad metaphor sticking out like a sore cold sore.

In describing the well-deserved and hard fought 33-31 victory of BYU over Utah, the author describes the Utes second and third quarter comeback:

Here it comes "Instead of conceding the victory, the Utes overcame a 14-point deficit and scored 24 unanswered points. Even as Bruce Banner sheds his fragile, mortal persona to become the Incredible Hulk, the Utes lashed out, and the Cougars suddenly found themselves trailing most of the game." (italicies added to point out the ridiculous parts)

A Incredible Hulk reference? Including his alter-ego Bruce Banner? Fragile, mortal persona? "The Utes lashed out"? That's just terrible. Big words attached to a pointless, unrelated, quite-a-stretch of a metaphor don't help it make more sense. They just make it sound more ridiculous. How about " Instead of conceding the victory, the Utes rallied to overcome a 14-point deficit and scored 24 unanswered points. The Cougars found themselves trailing most of the game."?

I imagine that hypothetically the author could've lost a bet to a friend and was forced to include the Bruce Banner/Incredible Hulk reference. If this is the case, then I have a crisp five-dollar bill for the first DU reporter/editorial writer who can slip a Murphy Brown reference into a completely unrelated article. I hope someone takes me up. I'll be waiting anxiously, just like someone who waits while sitting on pins and other sharp things that are like pins and could make waiting a difficult thing to do.

Truly a gentleman's sport

What with the knicker-knocking and ballyhoo that surrounds the modern sportsman, we are ever grateful to the pompous vigilance and stuff-shirted whistle-blowing of those of us who remember how sports used to be. Surely as time marches on, something of honor and manhood have been lost from sports today (fie and a pox on thee, Title-IX, you dastard!). Don't we remember the good old days of sporting events? When sports were simply a gentleman's game (and by "gentleman" I mean fitting the criteria of being 1) a man, 2) a wealthy man, and 3) being a wealthy man of the correct skin pigmentation before being allowed to play)?

Well buck up, good fellows all! Wax those mustachios, fasten your sock garters, strap on those leather helmets and reaccustom your hounds to the smell of fox, for lo and behold, the good old age of sport is returning!

And to what do we owe this revival? To naught but a letter from one Bryan Haslen to the student body of BYU.

To be fair (which I try to do when I can't stamp down my conscience), it's possible that this letter was written simply to stir up controversy and such. But with my extensive experience, and knowing BYU students' capacity for self-righteousness, there is a great chance that it's as real as they come. And in any case, does that mean we can't make fun of it? Would you still be reading if there was a chance that the answer was no?

(Note: to enhance the proper tone of the letter, read it to yourself in a thick, stuffy English accent. Or have your butler do it).

"To the Editor,

"A few more reminders for those students who have forgotten how football stadiums work (my understanding: people come in, cheer have a good time. Evidently it's more complicated than that):

"1) Littering is a disgusting habit and football should be no exception (an exception to disgusting habits?). As all good college football fans, let us leave the stadium cleaner than we found it. (Because, like the wilderness, if we don't keep our footballs clean, someday they'll be gone forever. Unless of course, I don't know, the paid stadium maintanance staff cleans them. And if that's the case then they'll be just fine)

"2) There is no need to yell. The chances are they can't hear you on the field (current chances: two to one) and you are only bothering the people next to you who have paid good money for their seats. (I think we should instigate both the "golf clap" --applause from the crowd comes only after plays and such-- and also the first-grade "12-inch whisper." After all, we paid good money for these seats. Who are you to sully up my air with your boorish sound waves and so-called "enthusiasm?")

"3) The nudity and paint is really unnecessary (Nudity?! Have you been to a BYU game?). If you were excited about taking a trip to England, would you get on the airplane with an English flag painted on your bare chest? (Wait. . . . um . . . Yes?) Of course not. (Oh. . . . Oh!! Now I see your point. 'Cause college football is like a trans-atlantic flight to England. Therefore, what is not acceptable in one event is not acceptable in the other. I'll be sure to file that away under "Comparisons that Make No Sense Whatsoever")

"4) The wave is a thing of our politically incorrect past (when we discriminantly instigated the 1949 laws that didn't allow waves to vote). Think of all of those who are unable to stand and how it makes them feel when they see the wave (My guess at what they think, "Cool the wave. Oh, look a sea-gull! Oh yeah, football!"). Please be considerate and don't participate in this practice that you know is wrong.

"5) If we win the conference by beating Utah in our stadium, remember your manners and don't try to get onto the field. ("Or else I shall thrash your wrists with a ruler and soundly box your ears, you ruffians!")

"Bryan Haslam
San Diego, Calif."

So, hearken to me good people all. L et us be inspired by Bryan Haslam. When we pass him, let us not mock his overly starched shirt, his top hat, cane or his solid-gold monocle (would we mock Mr. Peanut?)(Yes, but for other reasons). This is a true-blooded, gentleman, cut from the old cloth (that cloth smelling vaguely of old-man-stink and garlic). Do not sneer at his manners, even if his manners might include sneering at yours. Let us help him shoulder his heavy, heavy load. Because, dash it all gents, a soap-box is a hard load to carry alone.

"Why yes, we are freshman, why do you ask?"

Police Beat:

"October 13
A student reported two male students throwing acorns off the bridge near the law building on East Campus Drive, hitting another student. When questioned, the male students said they were throwing acorns into the tops of trees to see the reactions of students who thought animals were making the noises. The students were asked to stop."

I'm kind of lost here as to what kind of commentary to provide. Do I point out that these students 1) thought that someone would be fooled into thinking that an animal was throwing the acorns from the tree, ("Hey look! Acorns! Naturally, an animal of some kind must be throwing these." Or perhaps, "Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have bought that squirrel-fur 9-iron cover! Now they're out to get me!") or 2) wouldn't notice the bridge spanning the street located not three meters away, (see photo).




So like I said, I don't really know what to say. except for "Keep it up, fellas. Where would Police Beat be without you?"

A piece of (dental) work

I can't really imagine a situation where your denstist wouldn't be located somewhere other than your home, but that's me . . .

Another great headline

Not to sound too callous, but that must have been a pretty big accident . . .

Guess who was pretty drowsy in conference . . .

This is a little gem from a month ago that I found digging through my archives (a.k.a. the pile of paper under my desk).

General Conference consisted of two days of five sessions, with almost two dozen speakers. These talks are prepared months in advance. They are given by the most public and well-known leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Keeping that in mind, please notice what Cynthia Anderson mentioned was her absolute favorite thing of this two day spiritual feast.

Best of luck, Cynthia. Hope to hear from you again soon.

"Nothing says I love you like electricity" or "1.21 jigawatts of love"

"Sierra-West Jewlers: combining the timeless elegance of diamonds and lightning"

"Sierra-West Jewlers: Where a ring can say more than just, 'Honey, I love you,' but also 'And I want to burn your finger off.'"

"Sierra-West Jewlers: Combining care, craftsmanship and an uncontrolled flow of negatively charged electrons"

"Our parents thought we were a little young . . . "

This is something else from the Daily Universe Bridal Guide. Don't Derrik and Deane Gardner look young for their age? I think Derrik lost his front tooth in a fight club. (Coincidentally, his nick name is "Baby face")

Unbridaled enthusiasm

This is the Daily Universe Bridal Guide. Surely you agree that this is a really dumb photo to have 1) at all and 2) on the front of a Bridal Guide. I couldn't help but make some potential comments and thought bubbles coming from the happy couple. If it's too small to read, then just enjoy the complete ridiculousness of the cover photo and go away happy.

Thursday October 5th - Photo Opt

Please notice the title of the caption. Truly, photo journalism at its finest.

Metaphorically Stinking

It's a Faceoff! A rumble so rough it would make the Sharks and Jets look like . . . . um . . . like, well two weak things that fight each other. You know, like the Sharks and Jets do. Like . . . oh! I got it! Like a sick cat and a two-legged dog. Yeah, that'll do for a metaphor, won't it?

A few weeks ago (sorry for the delay) the Daily Universe brought us "round one of 'The Faceoff' a monthly feature in which Ben Carter and Jens Dana (two friends with opposing views on everything possible) will discuss campus issues." Opposing view on everything possible? It's true! For example, Ben thinks that they really are friends and Jens doesn't.

I appreciate that the Universe is trying to "mix it up" and "keep it fresh" and "highlight the fact that there are a myriad of things BYU students can be disagreeable about." What I appreciate most of all, though, is the fact that both Ben and Jens employ some pretty lousy similes in their first pargraphs.

Today's Faceoff topic? FOOTBALL!! We'll carefully weigh both sides, decide which one is the more heavy and bloated with funny laguage usage and the decide the winner! Get ready cause here comes ...

Ben: "I'll be up front. I don't like football. For various reasons, I've tried to like it. (Here it comes!) Like Lisa Simpson's future fiance trying to enjoy her family as novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as cautionary example. Nothing works."

Wow. Way to reference an obscure episode of a show creating a simile that a dubiously small percentage of your readers will know, Benny! (Tangent: Yes, I have seen that episode and did get the simile)(But still...).

Here are some of my suggested replacements:

"Like the time that the dad on the show ALF unsucessfully tries to explain to his neighbor that ALF is a short, hairy, ugly great-aunt who is visiting when he glimpsed ALF going into the kitchen. In the same way, I unsucessfully tried to like football."

Or

"Just like the time the Holodeck on the Enterprise went crazy (ok, one of the times) and Captain Picard sees what the future would be like if something happened or didn't happen (or something like that), things in the universe would be really crazy if I liked football."

Alright Ben, go to your corner. And don't spend too much time wondering exactly how Jens got his name in the first place, because away he goes!

Jens: "Earlier this season I overdosed on chagrin (which he bought cheap off a street dealer from UVSC, a kid just oozing with chagrin) when one of my fellow editors (name withheld for her own protection) confided in me she's never been to a home game at LaVell Edwards Stadium (perhaps she can pass the time watching the Simpsons with Ben).

"I consider myself pretty tolerant, but as a guy who's been to every home game except one, (here it comes!) I couldn't help gawking like she was a feature story on 'Ripley's Believe It or Not.'"

I enjoy the thought of Jens, wearing a blue wig and the blue 'B' on his chest bleeding through his sweaty T-shirt, coming home from another home game, yelling "Goooooo Cougars!!" to noone in his apartment then plopping down to watch Ripley's Believe It or Not. I also wish that Jens had been drinking a soda when his editor friend told him that she'd never been to a home game so that he could've comically sprayed it all over her, or better their editor-in-chief as he walked by. And if there was recorded laugh track, all the better.

The Faceoff verdict: Winner, BEN!

Ben's simile was definitely the worse so he is therefor the simultaneous winner/loser-thingy. Granted both Ben and Jens randomly referenced TV shows, but for randomness, Ben definitely had his head in the game! That might have been a computer or video game in his particular case, but definitely the clear winner!

And why am I worried about giving the victory to Ben and not Jens? Because as a rabid sports fan, if I get on Jens' bad side, he'll probably tear my Faceoff.

Some older stuff (with new mockery on the way!)

In order to get the Lampooniverse started out on the right foot (and that is a foot clad in a steel toed boot of ridicule), I did a lazy, lazy thing and reposted two previous blog entries where the Universe is 1) directly mocked or 2) contained an item worth mocking. One is "Headline: Headcase" (the only post to receive two, count 'em two, comments from people telling me that they thought it was the funniest one I've ever written and want to see more of them) and the other is "Having the Crime of My Life," something about the Police Beat section of the Daily Universe.

Maybe it's my warm, nuturing Italio-American heritage, but I just can't let someone go through the effort of coming to the website and then turn them away hungry. So belly up to the funny.

Rest assure, new Daily Universe sass is coming soon!

Headline: Headcase

Earth's foundations shook and renowned world leaders trembled in their deer-skin boots this week. This happened when yet another whistle-blowing, truth-must-be-told, devil-may-care reporter broke a blazing hot toddy of a story. The front page proclaimed to all the world, "Cellphones a hinderance to learning!" And below it in small print, "Iran leaders kidnap Condoleeza Rice for weekend tryst to Knotsberry Farm, see page 6."

The headline appeared in my university's fanastically innocuous newspaper, for purposes of anonymity called here the Daily Black Hole. The paper is renowned for headlining fluff stories and sometimes forgetting important dates or events (September 11th headline, "89% of freshman girls think ice cream is 'yummy'"). This is forgivable, mostly because we (the entire student body) enjoy the jokes we can make with the "reporting" and "stories" that they come up with (Oh, and believe me, we're pretty tight, the student body and I. They all called me up yesterday. Holla to all y'all). Interestingly, the Daily Black Hole is required by law to refer to their "stories" with " " surrounding them so that people won't confuse them for real news stories. This is unlikely (real article: "Mountain goats may need to be moved")

I am, of course, too hard on the paper which is worth every penny (price: free). Again, I'm kidding. But the cell-phone article was something special. It was written by a girl named Alicia C. Remember, this is a student who is seriously thinking about doing journalism as a career. And she has a university to back her up on that opinion. She begins here article on cell-phone usage in school. Be sure to save some of your inevitable scorn not just for the author of the article, but the main subject, a student named Jenna E. She deserves a heaping, scoop of scorn as well. The article reads as follows:

"A professor talks faster than students think is humanly possible (Did the students consult each other on this, deciding that 'Yup, that's faster than I thought humanly possible.'? Did they honestly doubt his humanity based on how fast he talks? 'Yup, it's an android alright. Or a alien.' Come on Alicia C., journalists don't start articles talking like 19-year-old girls, even if they are).

"Jenna E., a 20-year-old junior majoring in construction management concentrates. She works to catch each phrase and word that the professor speaks in his presentation. ("Phew! I'm working so hard, listing to this un-human professor, but by golly, I'm catching every word! Every phrase! Rapture!")

"A cell phone rings a pop song tone; (Yes, that's really a sentence. Read it again. Yep, it's pretty bad) her mind, as does other's she's sure, begins to wander with the melody. (Again, that was a real part of a real sentence)(Also, "Jenna's mind wandered with the melody and eventualloy found itself lost in Spooky Pirate's Cavern!")

"This is reality. (Play that weird "Da Da" noise from Law and Order for dramatic effect)

"Jenna said that although she understands (do you Jenna?) how people forget to turn their phones to silent tone, it seems as though cell phones are constantly going off and disturbing the learning atmosphere (learning atmosphere: 70% nitrogen, 12% Oxygen, 10% Carbon Dioxide, 98.6% Over-sensitive college co-eds)

(Ok, here's my favorite part)
"'When a phone rings in class, it doesn't simply divert my attention for a few seconds,' Erlbach said. 'Instead I spend the next 10 minutes (Wait, what?! 10 minutes?)(?!?!) thinking about whether or not I like the ring tone followed by thoughts of frustration because I have missed whatever the professor was teaching about."

That's right folks. 10 minutes.

I plead with you, for all our sakes, do not, under any circumstances, come into contact with Jenna E. Do not do anything to disrupt the delicate soap bubble that constitutes her existence. No loud noises. No sudden movements with arms or legs (though you surely will be tempted to smack her upside the head). If you do any of these things, that her day is gone, just gone. There is no chance now of productive thought, of conversation or anything simpler than blinking when Jenna E. is distracted. If Jenna E. were to encounter both a firecracker and someone humming Hey, Jude simultaneously, surely her heart would stop and she would forget how to swallow.

The article continues, with another quote from the somehow intelligable Jenna E.:

"My frame of mind completely changes after I realize I've somehow lost my concentration and have no idea what the professor is talking about."

"Somehow" Does she come to, 15-20 minutes later and think, 'Gracious me, it's gone! My concentration is gone! Whatever shall I do?' I imagine she swoons a clutches a lace hanky to her head. Let us also recall that Jenna E. is going into construction managment. Now, I haven't managed much construction in my day, but for the delicate of concentration, where naught but a catchy cell phone ring tone sends one spiraling into bouts of confusion and frustration, mayhaps a job managing such things as power tools, heavy machinary, and surly men of salty vocabulary is not for you.

And also, a word to Alicia C., the author of the article: if Jenna E. is the best material you can get from your crack interviews, then don't expect the Chicago Tribune to come beating down your door, sweety.

And now I'm going to go find an old dog and blow in his face. And then picture the look of confusion and consternation as he snaps his head around in bewilderment on a girl named Jenna E.

Having the Crime of Your Life

Life is good for the criminals in my college town. This might be because this is (or used to be) a family-friendly city. A city where folks know each other by name. A city where old ladies don't lock their doors and leave pies cooling on window sills. A city where the local preacher has influenced the town council to outlaw dancing and the young people have rallied together behind a troubled newcomer in town to both question the dancing law and to flagrantly plagarize the plot of "Footloose."

Back to my main point. The rise in crime could have some serious effects. For example, we could see a drastic rise in general surliness and curmudgeon-ness. Folks would deliberatelly forget each other's names and/or purposely call them by the wrong name. People would stop holding doors for handicapped people and cute co-eds. Pies cooling on window sills could be filled with with razorblades. Is this the city you want to live in? (If we can dance like Kevin Bacon then yes, I say!)

Well, unfortunately, it seems that there is little that the university police are capable of doing about the rise in crime. This last week the student run newspaper The Daily Galaxy (name has been changed, though now I'm doing it mostly for fun rather than for anonymity's sake), ran a recurring section of the paper called "Police Beat." This section has always been a tremendous source of enjoyment for me and my friends because two of the recurring themes of the Beat are 1) the generally frivolous and unimportant "crimes" that are mentioned and 2) the police hardly ever seem to make any headway in solving these crimes. The most common concluding statement in the entries is "Police have no suspects." It would be entirely appropriate if the title "Police Beat" contained the subheading "We Don't Stop the Crime, We Report the Crime." Alternatively, "Police Beat: Proudly Validating Criminals Through Free Publicity Since 1910"

A typical entry in "Police Beat" runs something like this. "July 31: Pie pilferers strike again, 3 pies, cherry, apple and razzle-dazzle berry crunch were stolen from a local woman's window sill. Police have no suspects." Sometimes there are related entries. "Aug. 1: Police were called in to investigate the report of bloody razor blades found in an alley outside a local creamery. Investigation revealed that most of the presumed 'blood' was razzle-dazzled berries. The incident is still under investigation."

I have not seen "Police Beat" in the paper for a while. And I cannot recall the last time I read an issue of Police Beat that brought such tremendous enjoyment to me. In part, it reads as follows below.

(Notes: D. Towers is a low cost, on campus housing complex. There are a total of six, six-story halls, un-inspiringly, an inexplicably labeled starting at the wrong end of the alphabet. FYI is a fake acronym that I'm using as an inside joke, but is a weekly teenager summer activity camp that the univerisity I attend rents space to every week of every summer. D. Towers are usually given up for FYI participants during the summer weeks. Hundreds of chipper, well-groomed teenagers come, learn, listen to inspiring music, vow to change their lives for the better, and then go home with dozens of phone numbers from the 'hotties' they met at FYI. As evidenced from the "Police Beat" that follows, they also do not exhibit an fantastically overwhelming level of intelligence or common sense).

(A photo of D. Towers)


I have not doctored any of this at all.

"Police Beat
Aug. 9: D.Towers W-hall. Money was taken from a student's wallet.
Aug. 9: D.Towers W-hall. A person attending FYI had $62 dollars taken from his wallet.
Aug. 10: D.Towers W-hall. An iPod valued at $275 dollars was stolen from the room of an FYI student.
Aug. 10: D.Towers W-hall. A two-gig iPod Nano and $10 dollars were taken from the room of an FYI participant.
Aug. 10: D.Towers W-hall. $50 in cash and a bolle of cologne was taken from another FYI participant.
Aug. 10: D.Towers W-hall. iPod speakers and a 30-gig iPod vidoe were taken from an FYI participant's room.
Aug. 10: D.Towers W-hall. A digital camera, cellular phone and $1,250 dollars in cash were taken from an FYI participant's room.
Aug. 12: D.Towers W-hall. $20 was taken from the wallet of an FYI participant"
(This is the end of the real "Police Beat")

Funny potential further entries from the same "Police Beat." (You can decide if they're really funny)(Trust me they are):

" Aug. 14: Police seeking anyone with information about an individual carrying around a bag of iPod's and cologne. Suspects might be flagrantly displaying around $1,300 dollars."

or

"Aug. 13: D.Towers W-hall. D.Towers W-hall was taken from an FYI participant."

or, perhaps not in the "Police Beat" but elsewhere in the paper,

"Study's show University Police remarkably slow on the uptake."
"Local Blog Writer Demands to Know 'Where on earth do teenagers get so much disposable income from?' "
(or my personal favorite)
"iPod's for sale! Cheap! Must sell! Need to raise money for mission!"

But in all of this jovialness, let's not forget the true victims when crime raises its ugly, mishshapened, Kevin-Baconish head. It is us, the citizens, the locals who are forced to face the cold reality: That razzle-dazzle berry is a really dumb name for a pie and doesn't taste nearly as good as the name would lead you to believe.

Welcome to the Lampooniverse

Like I said, welcome to the Daily Lampooniverse. If there ever was a piece of printed journalism that deserves its own blog dedicated only to discussing, dissecting, and just dissing it, that journal my friends, is the "The Daily Universe: The Voice of the Brigham Young University Community."

Having said that, here are a few disclaimers. I love BYU, having been here for a number of years with a vague end in the hazy future. I love the people here. I love Provo and also Utah, the city and state that are hosts to BYU. I also love the Church that sponsors BYU.

But does the culture fostered, foisted by BYU, Provo and the Church make me laugh and want to giggle uncontrollably? You bet your sweet bippy it does!

I really have no qualms whatsoever ridiculing the always innocuous, often subpar, frequently trite and pointless "journalism" that fills the Daily Universe (thought: if I really had no qualms, why did I include that disclaimer paragraph?). Which reminds me, here's another disclaimer: be prepared see many words like "journalism" surrounded by " ". Some examples might include "facts," or "reporting." This is often the best way to indicate that these are the fake, almost-there, Daily-Universed versions of those things (journalism, facts, etc.) that often appear in real newspapers but are strangely absent or altered in the Universe.

So before we get the ball rolling, let me say kudos to the staff of dedicated journalism teachers and students who do put out a paper every gosh-dang day. That's not easy. I respect you. I know some of you actually. One of you was my roommate for a summer (don't worry, it was a student, not a teacher). But I still feel that it is my calling to be a "gadfly" if you will, prodding, always prodding you toward your ultimate potential. Which is to produce a newspaper that won't have so many hilarious things for me to laugh at.